Tantrums are totally normal, even when it seems like your child is possessed by some extraterrestrial force. Sorry to break the news, but no aliens, just a toddler. Still, we ask ourselves: “Does my child even like me? Are these tantrums really normal in toddlers? And if so, how far can they go?”

Toddler tantrums

Toddler tantrums are not intentional. No, Little Lukas does not shriek loudly in front of everyone to embarrass you. Little Ana does not do it to annoy you, either. Trust us, we’ve all been there and we get you.

As parents, we have to acknowledge that toddlers throw tantrums because they want to communicate something but they can’t. Little Lukas and Ana did not want to upset you - they just badly needed some sleep or something else? There are many ways and exercises how children can improve their communication skills.

How to avoid tantrums

Even quiet and shy kids can throw a fit. There are a lot of triggers to tantrums, and they can provoke toddlers regardless of their temperament or personality. What could these triggers be?

The most common is discomfort. When toddlers feel hungry, they don’t just feel hungry, they feel like they could eat the entire fridge and will try to tell you how angry they are. But with their language skills still developing, they will just kick and scream (even at 2 A.M.!) Yay for the new parties!. You’ve been through this, for sure!

Other causes of tantrums include strong emotions, overstimulation, and a change in surroundings. You will not always have control over these things, but you can do your best to make sure that your young one is alright. A good way is to create as many yes-rooms for your child as possible. Places and things where everything is set up so that they are childproof and you can say yes to (almost) everything! 

Tantrum, what shall I do?

Our toddlers are unique in their special ways. They experience tantrums differently - some just give the cold shoulder while others become a mini version of Godzilla! As such, there are also many ways to deal with their tantrums. 

You may prefer to be present and quiet. Stay close while the fit is ongoing but don’t pacify your child - just be with them. I swear, your presence is enough to soothe the weary toddlers. 

Other parents are more active and engaging. They try to talk to their crying toddler, offering them toys and activities. If you’re brave enough to face the little dinosaurs head-on, then feel free to use this approach. 

How to anticipate tantrums

Toddlers don't just throw a tantrum out of nowhere. It happens in phases. And if you know how to spot a tantrum before it happens, you can be proactive. We're not just parents, we're spies too!

Keep an eye on your child. Often we think the child is seriously throwing a tantrum because of the wrong banana. This is quite ridiculous and usually not the case. The wrong banana is just the icing on the cake. Because a tantrum accumulates when the child's basic needs have not been met for a long time. Children don't necessarily need more attention, they need real attention. When you play with your child, try to be really present and have a meaningful play.

How to deal with tantrums

In dealing with toddlers’ tantrums, it would be easier to correct their behavior by being consistent with how you deal with them.  It does not matter whether you prefer to be the quiet disciplinarian (the cool one) or the active reformer (the brave one). Just be consistent and you’ll eventually see positive changes in your little one. 

Sources

Kliegman RM, et al. (2020) Tantrums and breath-holding spells. In: Nelson Textbook of Pediatrics. 21st ed. Elsevier. https://www.clinicalkey.com. (Accessed July 10, 2022).

Lauw, M.S.M., Havighurst, S.S., Wilson, K.R., Harley, A.E., & Northam, E.A. (2014). Improving parenting of toddlers’ emotions using an emotion coaching parenting program: A pilot study of Tuning in to Toddlers. Journal of Community Psychology, 42(2), 169-175. https://doi.org/10.1002/jcop.21602.

Potegal, M., & Davidson, R.J. (2003). Temper tantrums in young children: 1. Behavioural composition. Journal of Developmental and Behavioural Pediatrics, 24, 140-148. https://doi.org/10.1097/00004703-200306000-00002.

Royal College of Psychiatrists. (2017) Dealing with tantrums: for parents and carers. Available at: https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/parents-and-young-people/information-for-parents-and-carers/dealing-with-tantrums-for-parents-and-carers (Accessed July 10, 2022).